After retaking A levels,I have lost sight of what I want to do in life.Do I really want to become a teacher? My brother's words really set me thinking of what I really want to do in life.I certainly do not want to regret many years down the road when Im like 50years old,that I have not done anything that I really want to do in life,tormenting myself every single day doing a job that I do not like. All those years I have lived before have all been spent by following the norm,taking subjects that people usually take and I for one have no idea what I really like. So much for all those years of being a hardworking student during my sec sch days only to falter in front of As.

Frankly speaking,Im like slacking the whole of this year away,doing absolutely nothing fruitful.I didn't revise constantly for As for which I promised myself and others to do. I have totally immersed myself in online shopping for the whole of this year ever since I have discovered the haven of online shopping.Once I have headed into it,I couldn't get rid of the addiction of constantly checking up updates of the blogshops collections.I wished I have gone back to school,I would have been more disciplined and motivated to study.What exactly happened to me?I have dashed my own hopes and dreams of becoming a teacher myself with my own two hands.Studying on my own at home is very difficult,I couldn't keep myself in my books for more than 15mins w/o checking the computer or doing other stuff.Im seriously a procastinator,I always do other things other than touching my books.Constantly finding excuses for myself.It's only when the exams are looming that I really sat myself down to study.I did many maths practices but this year's maths paper came out unusually difficult,and Im like so nervous during the exam.My nervousness really got the better of me.

I feel like digging a hole for me to hide in it and never to come out.To face my classmates and others who will probe me about As.How did it go?How is it?I dread to hear that,and to constantly repeat these to them.It's like stabbing me in the heart each time I reply them. I dread class gatherings now more than ever.

For now,I just wanna swarm myself with work and more work.Giving tuition+ waitress job,I have kept myself fully packed in the month of dec,so that I won't think too much.It seems as though SIM is the only route out for me...my future seems bleak on hindsight.

If you really care about me,please....don't ask me anything more than that.

I really hate myself.It's as though I don't wanna learn through the easy way,but through the hard way.I brought all these upon myself.Who else to blame other than myself?While Im feeling very depressed and upset with myself,be rest assured that I won't do anything to hurt/punish myself,life is too precious and unpredictable for one to spend it on the endless mugging and hurt myself because of that.It isn't all about studies.There's more to life than that.

So now what?What are my plans for my future? Start an online blogshop?(I really have an interest in fashion and I hope to manufacture my own clothes which caters to petite people,a potential niche market in online blogosphere)Be a kindergarten teacher?or at least I hope I can teach in a pri sch. and which course I wanna take in sim or private uni. ---I really don't know.----

At a crossroad path indeed.


Please answer my prayers...